Doesn't Make Me a Bad Person...or Does It?

Just got back Wednesday from another long anticipated two week break in Gunnison, CO. Got to figurin', I have been making the journey to central Colorado for 20 years now. The wife and her sister have never really gotten along, so many years ago, we conceded the 4th of July weekend to the sister, in exchange for a couple of weeks in late July and early August. Five years ago, I discovered the Dos Rios Open Golf Tournament around the same time, and we have never regretted the trade off.

This year, as we approached the Gunnison Valley, a call from the mother in law (aka "The Purse) informed us that the wife's sister had decided to leave her 14 year old son in Gunnison with the Grandfolk when they departed around the 4th. This youngster was scheduled to depart the weekend we arrived. As it turned out, he was there the entire time we were, and was still there when we departed.

Now, those that know me, know I don't like to complain...but, godammit, if I had wanted to be around kids, I would have had one of my own. At least I could have put him to work mowing the yard or something. I was looking forward to an escape from the BS of work, a little golf, a cigar or two, and relaxing along the banks of the Gunnison River. What I was not looking for was a new 14 year old best friend. This kid wanted to be with Uncle Bat all the time. "Where are you going?" became the grating question, even if all I was doing was shifting on the couch to scratch my ass.

To be honest, it really did not bother me much, except at night. The tradition in Gunnison has always been at 9:00 p.m., the wife and in-laws go to bed, and I get a couple of exquisite hours of "me time". I watch what I want, I think about the tournament, uninterrupted, I scratch, I fart, I basically don't give a shit about life in general.

Not this year...my new best friend thought it was the coolest thing to stay up late with his uncle. As I searched the TV bands he kept calling for me to stop on programs like "Hurl", a show that combines competitive eating with stomach churning carnival rides until the contestants, you guessed it, "hurl". I kept stopping on Discovery and History in the hopes of putting him to sleep, but to no avail.

Finally, on the 10th night of the "vacation" I thought I caught a break. He left the room at 10:00 p.m., and I thought, "At least I can get in a hour or so of 'me time'". Not to be.

At 10:45, the mother in law and nephew came into the living room to announce the kid's heart rate was bouncing along at a nice 180 beats a minute. "Have him sit down and relax for 15 minutes, to see if it comes down," said I, with genuine concern in my voice. (I really wanted to see the end of the show I was watching.) As I suspected, his heart rate had changed 15 minutes later. Now, it was up to 190 beats a minute.

So, Uncle Bat loaded up the kid and the mother in law, and headed to the emergency room. (Yes, I woke up the wife to let her know what was going on). By he time we got him in, and hooked up to monitors, his rate had surpassed 230 beats a minute. A lot of things happened, blood was drawn, test were run and a lot of nurses and doctors talked. Bottom line, we don't know what caused it, but they suspect caffeine from energy drinks and Frappucino's. They iced him down, and got his rate back under control. They told us to keep him away from caffeine, and if it happened again, to immerse his face in ice water. I asked if throwing his ass in the Gunnison River would accomplish the goal and was told yes. I kept that prescription firmly tucked in my pocket the rest of the trip.

For better or worse, I had my two week brush with fatherhood. Sweet holy Moses, I am glad I met the wife, and we both share a similar disdain for offspring. I will stick with the canine variety. A simple $500 vet bill, and we were on our way back to Lubbock. (For more on the vet bill...stay tuned.)

Colorado

Well, got to Gunnison last Thursday, and this is the first day I have had intercom access. Played 27 holes Saturday, 18 Sunday and 18 Monday. Taking a day off to get caught up on computin' issues. The tournament begins Friday,and I will probably just show all results on this post since I can only seem to access existing posts from the Blackberry. So look here for results.

Must've Been The Clubs

Go figure...went out today and shot 82 with 10 pars. 5 of them coming on the final 5 holes. Couldn't break 95 last weekend when it meant something, and shoot 82 in my first round with the new sticks. Huh?????? Could the wife have been right? I will have to go out tomorrow and prove her wrong.

Club Championship - Day 3

Please refer to the post titled "Club Championship - Day 2".

Having lost on days one and two, I found myself in the lame duck flight. There were 7 flights and each one had two losers who could not win on day 1 or 2. That meant 14 people playing against each other. Lowest score made $50 and second lowest score made $40. Then the lowest two scores adjusted for handicap also made $50 and $40. With a 16 handicap, and a two hour delay due to a massive hail storm that went through the club on Saturday afternoon...I had a decent chance. Mainly because the two hour delay probably meant a lot of the lame duckers would blow off today.

Made par on the first hole, bogey on the second, triple bogey on the third...well, you get the drift. Bottom line...I suck. Shot 94 with only two pars. The good news is, I did not finish dead last. The other loser in our flight shot 105...so he is officially the worst golfer at the club. At one point, he hit his own golf cart with a shot. All we could do at that point was laugh...sure beat crying.

Club Championship - Day 2

Short and sweet post today.

I suck...nuff said.

Club Championship - Day 1

Last August, I decided to begin golf lessons in an attempt to improve my game. Started seeing Leon, and he informed me everything was wrong, and he would have to rebuild me. Yes, the $6 Million Golfer. As a result of trying to perfect a completely new swing, I started turning in horrific scores. But, as of late, I felt it was all coming together.

The result of all of this rebuilding found me in the 7th Flight today at the Club Championship. The famous "DWI Flight", so named because most participants would rather drink heavily than focus on golf. Having just ordered new clubs, and with my game coming around, I saw an opportunity to walk away with my flight, and earn some much needed pro shop credit towards the purchase of these clubs.

Today was a shotgun start, with golfers beginning on every hole on the course, and I found myself on the 15th tee for the start of what I hoped would be a solid romp through the tournament. The 15th is the beginning of what I call "Go to Hell Corner". That part of the course known for destroying good rounds of golf for me.

True to form, I launch my first shot of the tournament into the lake on the left side of the fairway, and my opponent goes on to win the first hole. No problem, I go to 16 and hit a perfect drive and a perfect 2nd shot to the green, with a possible birdie, and a certain par in store. My opponent proceeds to chip in for a birdie 3 from the deep grass on the right side of the green to win the second hole. That was it...I may as well have gone home then, because this guy, whom I know to not be very good, proceeds to shoot 2 over par in 12 holes to beat me in the first round.

The 7th flight is loaded with the worst golfers at the Club, and this guy has an out of body experience, and plays the best golf he has played in years to clean my clock. The minimum number of holes one can play in a match play format is 10, and he beats me in 12.

We were done so early, I had time to sit alone at the club house and drink three beers, and no other groups were coming in. I went home, fed the dogs and returned to the club house before any other matches were wrapping up.

I have grown weary with the "This is the best golf I have ever played" comments coming from my opponents. Once, I would like for those comments to be directed to some other poor sap. All I can play for now is 3rd place...assuming I don't get another "best round of my life" thrown at me tomorrow.

More tomorrow...

Stimulus, Stimuli, Stimulata

I enjoyed another great Fourth Up North celebration on Friday. Good friends, good weather and good fireworks. Although it takes a lot of work, it is worth it, and I always end up having a great time. The wife and I set a benchmark this year, by making it through the entire operation with no arguments or angry words. Friday was followed by two days in the Emerald Cathedral pursuing my passion for breaking graphite shafts. I can't think of a better way to spend a three day weekend.

But wait...what is this in my mailbox today? Why, it is a $1200 Economic Stimulus check from my benevolent nannies in Congress. Why, this weekend just keeps getting better and better. After all, what better way to celebrate the proposition that all men are created equal than to accept some money taken from the wealthy taxpayers in this country and redistributed to those of us less fortunate.

Thank you, wealthy taxpayers. In your honor, I will do my part as a good American and get to some stimulatin'! Hopefully, you will own stock in some of the companies I intend to stimulate. Thus your share value and dividends will increase, causing you to pay more tax next year, resulting in an even larger redistribu...oooops, I mean stimulus, check next year. Oh, I forgot. There is not an election in 2009, so the nannies will not be making any such generous offering.

At any rate, I do intend to pump this money right back into the economy immediately. The wife will be purchasing what must be her 15th digital camera. And I, after a serious upbraiding by Shoeless, shall be custom fit for new golf clubs this week. As I am sure this was all that was wrong with my game, look for me on the Tour next year. Oh crap...that will make me wealthy...there goes my next stimulus check.