Earth Week...Enough Already!!!

If I hear one more so called celebrity pontificate about what I should do to save the earth, I might be forced to go out and drain my oil directly into the ground in the alley. I have had my fill of Earth Week.

The wife even indicated she was going to buy some of those annoying canvas bags for groceries. I beseeched her, if she insisted on doing it, to do it for the right reason. That being that we are being buried on Maniacal Lane under those damn plastic bags since the cats died. Try as they may, the dogs just can't produce the level of excrement necessary to keep up with the infusion of Wal-Mart and United bags. Please do not buy them under the misguided notion that it will help the environment.

First, let me go on the record as one who believes Man has little to no influence on the earth's climate. Send all of the knee jerk propaganda you want about greenhouse gasses and the evils of fossil fuels. Man just ain't Man enough to fuck with Mother Nature. The Earth will do what she will do, and there ain't a damn thing Man can do about it. I predict in the 20's, high school students will be holding theme parties parodying the "hippie" like antics of environmental reactionaries of the Naught's. Hell, I saw the same thing in the '70's.

For 40 plus years there have been dire predictions about the "end world" actions taken by Man. The actual score is: Earth - 5 billion years...Modern Man - 10,000 years. By those numbers, the Earth has not even realized we are here. We cannot destroy the planet...we can only destroy ourselves...and eventually, we will. I, for one, am not going to lose any sleep over it.

I read this week where food riots have begun around the world, and there is a perceived rice shortage in the US. RICE shortage???? Who gives a shit? A rice shortage will not lead to riots in this country. Now...a donut shortage will be a different thing.

Come to think of it...a food shortage could be the best thing to happen to this country. We are currently in the middle of an obesity epidemic. Yes, I said "obesity epidemic". We are actually afflicted with too much food in this country. If food shortages eventually lead to rioting, the country can only become healthier. Everyone will be eating less, and exercising more.

Honor Earth Week...plant a tree...you may be forced to eat the damn thing.

Spring Fun Tournament

We teed off at 9:00 a.m. for the annual Spring Fun Tournament. This is a 4 man tournament, that calls on each participant to step up and do his part. As illuminated by Al earlier today, I shan't bore you with the minute details. Today's format was a select drive, low ball. This means all four tee off, you pick the best drive and everyone plays in from there. I performed poorly on the front nine (43) and exceptionally on the back (35). As a team, we played very well and shot 17 under par for a current standing of second place.

Tomorrow's format is two 2-man scrambles. This means you split your team into two man teams and each team plays from the best shot of that two man team each time. You then combine the two scores on each hole for the total team score. I will be teaming up with Bryan, who can hit the ball a mile and a half, but you don't know where it will come down. My primary job tomorrow is to put my drives into the fairway and in play, then let Bryan unleash the beast and knock the crap out of his driver.

As I will be flying to Austin tomorrow evening, I don't know if I will know the results of our performance until I return on Wednesday. Stayed tuned if you give a shit...otherwise, have a nice day.

The Seven Plagues

As you may recall, a couple of weeks ago, I ripped the shit out of my thumb. There was some question about the possibility of tetanus at that time. I now, must Google tetanus for symptoms.

About the time I thought all was coming along nicely with the healing, I came down with some type of respiratory ailment. After coughing up a lung and a half, breathing had become quite labored. This was followed by an affliction of the nether regions which only Preparation H can relieve.

Last weekend, fever and stuffy head symptoms made their arrival, complementing my favorite activity of arising at the crack of dawn to make it to the airport at 6:30 Monday morning for a day trip to Austin and back. For your future use, nothing will assure you three seats to yourself on a Southwest flight quite like drooling down your shirt, and coughing up huge balls of phlegm into your palm, all the while shifting to and fro on your butt cheeks to relieve the painful itching and swelling down south.

After surviving the trip to Austin and back, I was greeted at the door with the news the iPhone had arrived. All I had to do was activiate it for the wife. I had been assured this was an easy and painless task, and would only take a few minutes. The instructions were very simple..."Log onto iTunes, connect the iPhone, and follow the on-screen directions."

I made it to Step 2.2 before the ever expected snag set in. Message..."No SIM card installed." Huh??? I did what any good Luddite would do. I checked the ATT site for details and was told all iPhones were shipped with a SIM card pre-installed. So, I looked the sleek surface of the new fangled device up and down, searching for a place where a SIM card might be. Nothing stood out. I checked the exhausitng volumes of instructions again. In total, they said..."Log onto iTunes, connect the iPhone, and follow the on-screen directions." I broke the bad news to the wife, that we had received the only iPhone in existence shipped without a pre-installed SIM card. Luckily, the following day, I paid a visit to the local ATT store, was issued a SIM card, and told where to put it, and a few clicks later the iPhone was up and running. All seemed well, and the sun would come out, and birds would be singing.

This morning, I woke up with massive cold sores breaking out all around my nose and mouth. For a guy who lives a clean, healthy, optimistic life, I was beginning to think someone up there does not like me. I look forward to the swarm of locusts in the yard tomorrow morning.