As you may recall, a couple of weeks ago, I ripped the shit out of my thumb. There was some question about the possibility of tetanus at that time. I now, must Google tetanus for symptoms.
About the time I thought all was coming along nicely with the healing, I came down with some type of respiratory ailment. After coughing up a lung and a half, breathing had become quite labored. This was followed by an affliction of the nether regions which only Preparation H can relieve.
Last weekend, fever and stuffy head symptoms made their arrival, complementing my favorite activity of arising at the crack of dawn to make it to the airport at 6:30 Monday morning for a day trip to Austin and back. For your future use, nothing will assure you three seats to yourself on a Southwest flight quite like drooling down your shirt, and coughing up huge balls of phlegm into your palm, all the while shifting to and fro on your butt cheeks to relieve the painful itching and swelling down south.
After surviving the trip to Austin and back, I was greeted at the door with the news the iPhone had arrived. All I had to do was activiate it for the wife. I had been assured this was an easy and painless task, and would only take a few minutes. The instructions were very simple..."Log onto iTunes, connect the iPhone, and follow the on-screen directions."
I made it to Step 2.2 before the ever expected snag set in. Message..."No SIM card installed." Huh??? I did what any good Luddite would do. I checked the ATT site for details and was told all iPhones were shipped with a SIM card pre-installed. So, I looked the sleek surface of the new fangled device up and down, searching for a place where a SIM card might be. Nothing stood out. I checked the exhausitng volumes of instructions again. In total, they said..."Log onto iTunes, connect the iPhone, and follow the on-screen directions." I broke the bad news to the wife, that we had received the only iPhone in existence shipped without a pre-installed SIM card. Luckily, the following day, I paid a visit to the local ATT store, was issued a SIM card, and told where to put it, and a few clicks later the iPhone was up and running. All seemed well, and the sun would come out, and birds would be singing.
This morning, I woke up with massive cold sores breaking out all around my nose and mouth. For a guy who lives a clean, healthy, optimistic life, I was beginning to think someone up there does not like me. I look forward to the swarm of locusts in the yard tomorrow morning.
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8 comments:
Aye, Fourth Horseman of the Apocalypse, it seems that you have brought thy evil plagues down upon yourself. In the wise words of an Aggie ex-cop that I work with, "Never spray your pepper spray against the wind..."
Isn't there some kind of "old dude" rule that says you're not allowed to talk publically about physical ailments such as, oh, ANAL ITCHING until you pass the 50 mark?! You're not quite there yet, Itchy. You've still got another six months -- after which I'll be happy to have long, thoughtful discussions with you about fascinating topics like incontinence and prostate enlargement.
On a more serious (and equally gross) note (sorry!)... are the "cold sores" around your mouth and nose like blisters, or do they have icky gunk in them? If it's the latter (especially considering some of the other symptoms you've described), you might have a staph infection.
Go to the doctor, Bat.
I forgot there was a reader in the health services industry out there. Just blisters...no gunk. No staph...no doctor
Go to the doctor. Get a prescription for Zovirax Ointment. The blisters will clear up very quickly. Keep the ointment -- and use it at the sign of the first "tingle" or "itching." It will usually prevent the blister(s) from appearing, or if they do appear, they will be substantially smaller and be gone even quicker, sometimes within a day.
*Not recommended for anal use -- just in case you got any creative treatments for that southern affliction floating around in your brain.
Get Vaseline for southern hemisphere. Prep H is just fancy Vaseline. And a sitz bath! Those work great, I hear.
Sorry for your suffering.
Is your chest congested? Mucinex will prevent the congestion from turning into an infection. Mucinex is great stuff. It's expensive stuff. The store brand is cheaper. Look for: 600 mg guaifenesin. That should appease your frugal side. Don't buy something with less guaifenesin! If there is no store brand, cough up the wad. Ha ha. I made a funny.
knowing Batman, I'm certain that he's already consulted with Dr. Johnny Walker Red ...
GO BATMAN!
Did your toilet back up?
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