Have you ever found yourself out in the general retail world, wanting to just beat the shit out of people? I found myself in that all too familiar position at Sam's today. I went to get some contacts, and found myself waiting as the only worker bee was helping some asshole get some glasses. Now, this guy may have been a perfectly nice guy, but the fact that he was there, and I was in a hurry made him an "asshole".
So, I went and picked up a couple of other things, and made my way back to the Optical shop, only to find myself being told to wait while the clerk screwed up someone else's order. When I finally found myself the center of the clerk's ineptitude, I was told they only had replacements for my right lens, and they would have to order the left. As steam roiled out of my ears, I had to remind myself that you go to Sam's for price...not service. The insipid worker bee did not make matters any better as she cheerily offered an "I'm sorry" platitude. I was intent on being pissed off about the whole sordid affair.
Not being one to learn from my mistakes, I ventured out to Wal-Mart this evening with the mission being to get my left eye contacts and pick up a few grocery items. First stop was the Optical shop, only to discover that they also did not have my left lens in stock. Fuck it...I headed to the grocery aisles to find myself behind a wide load in the pasta aisle who was commenting on the fact that "...that's a lot of pasta."
"There's a lot of pasta in those Spandex pants also, honey", I thought, while trying to maneuver around her centrally located cart. "How about you haul your ass over to the produce section and shove a salad down that gaping maw?" If nothing else, the aisles are wider. After doing battle with the rest of Lubbock's cheap bastards, I realized I had to traverse all the way to the Pharmacy section to pick up some Slim Fast bars for the wife. Pharmacy, my ass. Slim Fast bars are "food", and as such should be in the "food" aisles, goddammit!
Anyway, with Slim Fast bars secured, I made my way to the check out line, where I encountered two women who had obviously bought two of everything in the fucking store. About the time I had calmed enough to settle in and wait, they uttered that phrase that only two women would dare utter in a crowded check out line. "We need to check all of this out separately".
Why, why, why do women do this? If you are going to pay separately for two massive piles of Chinese made goods, GET TWO FUCKING CARTS. That way the rest of normal society will know to just leave their cart of goods in the aisle and beat a hasty retreat to the solace of a waiting whisky bottle at the house. Feminists, yell at me if you want. But, you would never see two men at The Home Depot pull this crap.
At any rate, I finally made it home, popped another blood pressure pill, pulled the cork on the aforementioned whisky bottle, and settled in to enjoy the company of the one person who doesn't constantly piss me off. Myself.
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9 comments:
Excellent Rant. I too have those same feelings at Best Buy, Sam's and Wal Mart. That's why I try to do all of my shopping on the intercom.
THAT was entertaining.
You "aging, grumpy, bald headed fart" who is, after all, "just an ordinary schmoe, stumbling blindly through life."
God, you bust me up, schmoe.
You just wrote an excellent manifesto for the TNTalk Geezer Club ... bravo!
Al Swearengen: Sometimes I wish we could just hit 'em over the head, rob 'em, and throw their bodies in the creek.
Why would men bother shopping together, use one cart, then separate it out for different ring ups when they have a veritable smörgåsbord of other creatively irritating behaviors to choose from?
By the way, everything you just described bothers me too. I can't even think about Walmart without envisioning 3 very large people walking side by side down an aisle at a snail's pace, chatting, completely oblivious to the fact that other people actually exist. One of the most entertaining moments for me was when I witnessed three people walking as described come face to face with 3 other people doing the exact same thing. Three abreast was a tight squeeze... six abreast was an impossibility. They looked like bumbling, swollen grapes with heads as they tried to figure out how they were going to navigate the aisle, keep their 3 abreast status, and not stop talking. It was hilarious. Everyone just stopped and waited, exchanging bemused glances, some turning their backs to hide their faces while they tried not to laugh out loud.
Poor souls -- they were probably just distracted by their noble quest for European butter and pastry flour. And there you were just laughing at them, Elaine -- not even bothering to lend them a helpful and guiding hand.
Fatties are more of threat to America than Al Queda.
Good thing Khiva apparently lives on Slimfast bars then.
Some wisdom to pass on to her, Bat -- Southbeach Diet Bars are so much yummier and will keep her feeling full longer because they contain more protein.
And besides, Slimfast is just so "1980's..."
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