Ever wonder what the world would be like if women acted like men? I would love to be the bird in the tree watching a group of women playing golf, and acting like men. Betsy would be standing over her shot, thinking about her kids, as she cleaned her new Foot-Joy's of the loose grass and sand. Lucy would finally lose it and yell..."Just hit the ball, bitch."
As a rule, (as I have observed it) women are much more civil to one another than men. At least to each others faces. A couple gets together after having not seen each other in several months. The two ladies immediately begin to praise one another on their respective weight loss and new hair styles. The two men would immediately revert back to the last thing they were giving each other shit about the last time they saw each other. "Hey, fatass, hope you aren't thinking about heading to the shitter when the check comes like you did last time." "No, I might as well pay for dinner, after all I am still paying room and board for your no-good son in prison.", his buddy replies.
For some reason, men cannot seem to say anything nice about or to another man. Probably out of fear of being called gay by the other man. Women, on the other hand, seem to be predisposed to putting on the nice face to other women, until they leave the room. For example, two men driving by a sewage treatment plant. Bob looks at Jim and asks, "Is that you, or did we just hit a dead cow?" Two women driving by the same sewage treatment plant. Jill looks at Betty, and comments on what a cute purse she has. Jill drops Betty off, and immediately gets on the phone to call Rachel and talk about the funk the came out when Betty uncrossed her legs.
Now, some may say men are just hiding deep resentment toward each other by immediately making jokes about one another and not discussing issues. To those people, I say, "Grow a pair, and quit being a woman." Most men know they are with true friends when they are being insulted mercilessly. Nothing makes me more nervous than a friend being nice to me. Makes me wonder if he is sleeping with my wife. No, on second thought, I still smell the sewage treatment plant...he must be sleeping with his own wife.
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Two women driving by the same sewage treatment plant. Tammy looks at Liz, and comments, "Damn bitch. I think you just killed me with your ass." Liz responds by lifting her right ass cheek off the car seat and ripping one.
Liz is so damn hot.
True story.
Stock yards, though, not sewage treatment plant.
Liz is one classy dame...you have provided the exception that proves the rule.
Why yes, Liz IS one classy dame. Click Here
She said to tell you "hi", by the way. When I told her about today's cosmic Taco Bell thing, she told me she thought you were "Universally challenged". Which, of course, caused me to break down into hysterical fits of laughter because being "universally challenged" makes you sound like you're retarded.
I think she meant that you have an odd and cosmic relationship with the Universe. Or maybe she really did mean that you are, in fact, retarded. Who can be sure?
Just another way men are clueless about women. But then how can they not be clueless in the regard as well? After all, women are so damn polite when men are present. Get us alone with a bunch of girls and we will out drink, out curse, and out fart the worst/best sailors out there... oh yeah, and actually admit to out fucking them too. The best part? When we talk nasty about each other, men think we are being spiteful and don't believe a word of it having no clue it's just honest. Then, when we confess to our best friend that we spilled all her horrid secrets the first thing said is, "Did he believe you?" "No, he just thought I was being a bitch or on the rag or something... you know." And both girls die laughing.
Elaine is so damn hot.
Can't wait to "out drink, out curse, and out fart the worst/best sailors out there" with you at the Lake House in a couple weeks, darlin'. :-)
Elaine,
I appreciate your comments, and remind you my statements were written"...as I have observed it..."
Need I point out you and Tammy are probably not the "typical" woman. I would love to be at the lake house to observe you both in your natural states. However, I am not sure I could survive the weekend.
By the way...I have it on pretty good male authority, you don't want to challenge me in the farting department.
Later girl...
I've been meaning to get back to this thread... but with school and so on, I've been a little tied up. When I did get here, Billyfish, you had already posted a response.
So first, what I came here to say. Biilyfish's original post is not without valid points, despite any truth in my post. I think men have an enviable position on friendship, loyalty, and comaradary that escapes most women. I genuinely believe women could learn much from the nobler side of men when it comes friendship.
And now to respond to your recent bit, Billyfish. Yes, "as you observed it," is the way we girls like it. Most won't even admit there is alternate reality out there. You are correct, Tammy and I are not typical. And that comes with merit as well as liability... just ask B.
On the topic of bi-gender farting, "No, thankyouverymuch." I concede, UNCLE, or whatever you need me to say. Indeed, I was raised in the south. I attended "charm school" complete with white gloves. I like the doors opened and for men to walk on the street side of me not to mention all the other etiquette rules.
As for observing Tammy and me in the wild, no comment.
You went to charm school, I attended Catholic school, and Billyfish's mother made him take formal dance lessons.
And yet all our comments contain choice phrases such as "Damn bitch", "outfucking them", and "farting department".
Ain't we some genteel motherfuckers.
Devyn makes me smile. I will fight the urge to call him "ahhpy Feet" the next time I see him, though, so as not to make him blush -- even though I'll want to. :-)
I love the fact that Billyfish's post about women has, in fact, been taken hostage by women.
Though the fact that being taken hostage by women is not much different than his married life... so this should seem comfortable and familiar to him.
Um, "Happy" Feet. Apparently I had a seizure whilst typing...
Damn, you caught your "ahhpy" post before I could rip you on it. Feel free to post away ladies...saves me the effort of putting up anything new.
As to dance lessons growing up, mine were strictly to instill social skills, not to help with reading.
It worked out the same however...as it prepared me at a young age to get shot down by one woman after another. Thus, I went home early and opened a book.
Those women were idiots. Elaine and I would have danced with you, wouldn't we have, Elaine?
Would you have bought us all our drinks? :-)
Bat,
a nicely composed blog entry.
Bitch
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